Morty visits Dr. Saul, the veterinarian, and says, "My dog, has a problem."
Dr. Saul says, "So tell me about the dog and the problem."
"It's a Jewish dog. His name is Irving and he can talk," says Morty. "Watch this!" Morty points to the dog and commands: "Irving, Fetch!"
Irving, the dog, begins to walk toward the door, then turns around and says, "So why are you talking to me like that? You always order me around like I'm nothing. And you only call me when you want something. And then you make me sleep on the floor, with my arthritis. You give me this fahkahkta food with all the salt and fat, and you tell me it's a special diet. It tastes like dreck! YOU should eat it yourself! And do you ever take me for a decent walk? NO, it's out of the house, a short pish, and right back home. Maybe if I could stretch out a little, the sciatica wouldn't kill me so much! I should roll over and play dead for real for all you care!"
Dr. Saul is amazed, "This is remarkable! What could be the problem?"
Morty says, "He has a hearing problem! I said 'Fetch', not 'Kvetch'.
By: Matt
YOU'RE NOT DRUNK IF YOU CAN LIE ON THE FLOOR WITHOUT HOLDING ON.
By: Rich
Horse goes into a bar, bartender says, "hey, why the long face?"
By: Jeff
A man at a bar, very drunk, turns to the person sitting next to him and says, "You wanna hear a blonde joke?" The person replies, "I am 240 pounds, a world kickboxing champion and a natural blonde. My friend is 190 pounds, a world judo champion and a natural blonde. And my other friend is 200 pounds, the world arm wrestling champion and is also a natural blonde. Do you still want to tell me that blonde joke?"
The man thinks for a while and replies, "Not if I have to explain it three
times."
By: Brad
A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat, and a wave of nervous anticipation washes over him.
Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "Business trip or vacation?"
The woman turns, smiles and says, "Business. I'm going to the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago."
The man swallows hard and is instantly crazed with excitement. Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she says. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really," he says. "What myths are those?"
"Well," she explains, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it's men of Jewish decent."
Suddenly, the women becomes very embarrassed and blushes.
"I'm sorry," she says, "I shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"
"Tonto" the man says as he extends his hand. "Tonto Goldstein."
By: Dave
