The Column

**Sighting** SP Pub Guru was seen briefly over the past week. Sources believe he is feeling under the weather, and has been keeping it low key in the Shire. A few sources claimed to have seen him making a run to Dags for some supplies, which entailed Nyquil, tissues, 3 red bulls, 12 pack of Bud Light, pack of smokes, and 3 pre-made pasta dishes. As he made his way to the counter he saw the express lane was being abused by a lady who had way over 12 items, yet believed the sign didn’t apply to her. SP in his sick state decided to antagonize the rule-breaking lady.

“Excuse me don’t you see that you have way over 12 items?” SP asked.

“Sir the line wasn’t being used at the time so I though I’d take the opportunity to utilize the empty lane.” She declared.

“Well now myself and the kind woman behind me aren’t able to use this lane for its intended purpose,” SP jabbed back. “You know miss, with all the crap in your cart I’d think it’d be an obvious choice for you to hit up the jumbo, “look at all the crap I bought” line.”

“Sir, please I’m almost done ringing her up,” the cashier stated.

“I understand you’re just doing your job, but you also need to regulate customers from screwing up the check out line regulations. You knew when this woman pulled up with her behemoth cart that she had way over 12 items, but you did not stop her,” SP said working himself up.

“Sir please just wait your turn, it’ll only be a moment,” the cashier snapped back.

“Yeah mind your own business. Who gives you the right to say who can go in which lane? What are you the manager of grocery store line formation?” The lady squawked back.

SP realizing these two women had formed a little tag team against him needed to devise a plan to cease this stupidity. Looking around for another normal minded person to aid him, he found something better. In the empty booth next to him was a cashier’s intercom. SP swiftly picked up the intercom, and let loose.

“I need a price check at lane 3 for one Summers Breeze, and an economy tube of KY lubricant?” SP said with a confident smile radiating at the two ladies.

The two women immediate turned red, and the cashier made a lunge for the intercom, however the ladies large shopping cart took up too much of the lane to enable a proper grasp on SP.

“Also while you’re back there checking, could you see if we have any cashiers that can count to 12? It would help with the retard fest going on up here,” SP bellowed into the mic.

Immediately after this out break a manager came up behind SP, and asked him to leave. Knowing he had out done himself, even while being under the weather, SP agreed and left Dags. While leaving he approached the door at the same time as the woman who had been holding up the line. He allowed her to go first, even after the death stare she gave him. While rounding the corner he watch as she loaded her groceries into her illegally park car, yelling out, “enjoy the Summers Eve and KY,” loud enough for those in the immediate area to turn a head, displaying a humorous smile.

Even though he didn’t get his supplies, our source says he was looking much better, and will probably be out and about in no time.