Welcome Back!!!

It's been quite some time, but I'm back and I have no idea how for how long.

The Column

**Departure** SP was seen leaving his shire domain early this morning and hailing a cab. Word has it he was headed for JFK, but no confirmation on that yet. SP has gone destination unknown. I'm sure he'll surface soon, but until then just be on the look out.

Jokes

With the new job, get your jokes in on Monday so I can put them up in the morning.


A man walks up to a woman and asks, “Would you sleep with me for $1,000,000?”

She quickly replies, “Yes.”

So then he asks, “Would you sleep with me for $20?”

Astounded by the question she says, “Of course not. What kind of woman do you think I am?”

He says, “Well we’ve already determined that. Now I’m just working on a price.”

By: Dave

Funny Videos

Some are funny then others, and stupider than others, so go at your own pace.

Guys will never learn.

Take Cover!!!

David Blaine, guy's amazing.

Mix of a bunch of great stuff

The Random

2005 Darwin Awards---

Yes, it's that magical time of the year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us. Here then, are the glorious winners.

1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.....

And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his Vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer...$15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.


8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."


9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER! (Which proves there is justice in this world.)

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged a siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

Provided By: Omar

The Column

**Sighting** SP Pub Guru was seen briefly over the past week. Sources believe he is feeling under the weather, and has been keeping it low key in the Shire. A few sources claimed to have seen him making a run to Dags for some supplies, which entailed Nyquil, tissues, 3 red bulls, 12 pack of Bud Light, pack of smokes, and 3 pre-made pasta dishes. As he made his way to the counter he saw the express lane was being abused by a lady who had way over 12 items, yet believed the sign didn’t apply to her. SP in his sick state decided to antagonize the rule-breaking lady.

“Excuse me don’t you see that you have way over 12 items?” SP asked.

“Sir the line wasn’t being used at the time so I though I’d take the opportunity to utilize the empty lane.” She declared.

“Well now myself and the kind woman behind me aren’t able to use this lane for its intended purpose,” SP jabbed back. “You know miss, with all the crap in your cart I’d think it’d be an obvious choice for you to hit up the jumbo, “look at all the crap I bought” line.”

“Sir, please I’m almost done ringing her up,” the cashier stated.

“I understand you’re just doing your job, but you also need to regulate customers from screwing up the check out line regulations. You knew when this woman pulled up with her behemoth cart that she had way over 12 items, but you did not stop her,” SP said working himself up.

“Sir please just wait your turn, it’ll only be a moment,” the cashier snapped back.

“Yeah mind your own business. Who gives you the right to say who can go in which lane? What are you the manager of grocery store line formation?” The lady squawked back.

SP realizing these two women had formed a little tag team against him needed to devise a plan to cease this stupidity. Looking around for another normal minded person to aid him, he found something better. In the empty booth next to him was a cashier’s intercom. SP swiftly picked up the intercom, and let loose.

“I need a price check at lane 3 for one Summers Breeze, and an economy tube of KY lubricant?” SP said with a confident smile radiating at the two ladies.

The two women immediate turned red, and the cashier made a lunge for the intercom, however the ladies large shopping cart took up too much of the lane to enable a proper grasp on SP.

“Also while you’re back there checking, could you see if we have any cashiers that can count to 12? It would help with the retard fest going on up here,” SP bellowed into the mic.

Immediately after this out break a manager came up behind SP, and asked him to leave. Knowing he had out done himself, even while being under the weather, SP agreed and left Dags. While leaving he approached the door at the same time as the woman who had been holding up the line. He allowed her to go first, even after the death stare she gave him. While rounding the corner he watch as she loaded her groceries into her illegally park car, yelling out, “enjoy the Summers Eve and KY,” loud enough for those in the immediate area to turn a head, displaying a humorous smile.

Even though he didn’t get his supplies, our source says he was looking much better, and will probably be out and about in no time.

Jokes

Here we go.

Two boys are playing football in Central Park when one is attacked by a rabid rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips a board off of a nearby fence and hits the dog over the head. The animal releases his friend and runs away.

A reporter strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.

"Young Giants Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he writes in his notebook.

"But I'm not a Giants fan," the little hero replies.

"Sorry, since we are in New York, I just assumed you were," says the reporter.

"Little Jets Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack," he writes in his notebook.

"I'm not a Jets fan either," the boy says.

"I assumed everyone in New York was either for the Giants or Jets. What team do you root for?" the reporter asks.

"I'm a Cowboys fan," the child says.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Little Redneck Maniac Attacks Beloved Family Pet".

By: Brad


An old guy walks into the doctors office and starts to sign in when the nurse asks him why he wants to see the doctor.

"I'm having trouble peeing through my penis" he says.

The nurse becomes very flustered and says,"Please don't use that type of language in the waiting room...there are children and women in here and its very insensitive. Just say there's something wrong with your elbow and then when you see the doctor you tell him what's wrong."

The old man leaves and comes back in a few minutes later and goes up to the nurse.

"And why do you want to see the doctor today?"

"Because I can't pee thru my ear!"

By: Jeff


Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse are in a heated courtroom lawsuit. The judge takes his seat and calls Mickey up and says, "From what I hear, people say your suing Minnie because she is silly?"

"No" replies Mickey, "I'm suing her because she is f*cking Goofy"

By: Caroline


Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and ask Paul what's wrong.

"Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl who I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"

"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.

"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."

"Sensible," says Jeff.

"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."

"What happen then?" Jeff asked.

"I kicked her in the face."

By: Dave