The Column

**Happenings** SP has taken on the position of self-proclaimed resident traffic officer in the Shire. Things have been getting a bit out or hand in the city with the ever-increasing temperature, and so has the Guru's tolerance for absurd behavior. Residents of the Shire have seen SP on many occasions take things into his own hands. One incident over the weekend involved dashing into traffic to stop the cross-town flow in order to let an ambulance that had been stuck a block back with it's 4,000 sirens, buzzers, horns, and whatever other noise making devices they could hide under the hood, to proceed. Of course people holding up traffic couldn't believe what they were seeing. Some thought he was trying to kill himself, while several cabbies thought it was a challenge of some sort. Even after holding back the oncoming traffic a simple waive to the cars holding up the noise machine wouldn't suffice. Baffled he causally lifted his middle finger, which triggered their innate response to drive fast and out of control thus freeing the ambulance. Other occasions haveinvolvedd him knocking on the windows of SUV drivers who insist on parking their cars in a space suitable for a child's tricycle. Usually after the SUV driver smashes loose the bumpers of the surrounding cars, SP will approach calmly, rubbing a key along side of the vehicle. He then proceeds to knock on the divers side window, asking the driver if he/she thinks it such a good idea to park in the space, which of course they answer, "I'm practically in." He suggests they leave quickly before someone notices they've knock off the bumpers of the surrounding cars; all the while clueless to the newly etched cavern on the side of their monster truck, and thanking him for not reporting them. So if you find yourself in the Shire, beware of your traffic manners, because he's out there regulating.